The Show Must Go On

Now you guys have to leave. Get out of my house!

On every episode of Cribs the host always ushers out the camera crew with some type of forceful good-bye. If you are apart of the MTV-faithful (never quite got there) then you can generally guess how the ending line is going to go. Rappers are going to insert some sort of expletive while holding a $800 dollar of liquor, charming mid-age actors are going to wave good-bye with their wives (do you ever get the feeling they hate each other?) and surfers/laid back rockers ala Jack Johnson are going to give some sort of aloha that makes you want to stay forever. Its obvious that their good-byes are well thought out to go along with their Hollywood image. They are seizing the moment and putting their own special touch on a show that is all about them. Ok, its probably more about what's in their refrigerator but that makes us sound so stupid as a society.

Have you ever wondered how cool you would be if you showed the world your game room and where the magic happens? Notice I said how cool and not just cool, because who wonders how big of a loser they would be on national television? If you're like me then your good-bye would be rocking. I would probably be somewhere between the sexually provocative Justin Timberlake and the my genitels wear armour masculinity of Russell Crow. I would leave my house a little messy (not college messy but that was a great party with all of my very hot clean friends messy) and show off a little chest hair with the open button down (this is so fake). The midnight black Ferrari and restored Land Cruiser would seal the deal as me being the baddest man in the world.

Don't tell me that you have never played out your own Cribs episode in your head. We are all very selfish day-dreamers and by rule of thumb we're the main character in our imagination. Our story surrounds us and everyone within that story revolves around us. Do you remember the personal bubble of elementary school? The bubble where if someone got too close you went Rambo psycho killer and put your finger in their face for the next three hours proclaiming to the world I'm not touching you. Well as we get older the bubble extends to anyone within fifty feet of us and they automatically start to revolve around what we're doing and what's going on in our lives. The problem with this warped picture is that its not about us. This isn't our story. No one gives a flying flip abour what's in my refrigerator or about the sweet system in my Honda Accord (factory issue). Francis Chan proudly proclaims in his book CrazyLove, that it doesn't really what place you find yourself in right now. He is addressing the issue that we're not the lead actor/actress in this unfolding drama (or comedy, depends on how you look at life). We spend so much time worrying about ourselves and what's going on with our world we miss the picture book around us.

Maybe its time to live out a different story because no matter what the show must go on. He will continue to paint with us or without us.

I Can't Think of a Title

Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

~ Robin Williams in Goodwill Hunting

Some days I just want to lose. Don't get me wrong I mess up quite a bit but there are those moments, you know, the ones where you wish there were tears. You pray that your heart will actually beat out of your chest. I'm not trying to be dramatic, quite the opposite actually. I'm talking about reaching down and grabbing hold of that pain. Because it seems like I really need to cry before I'll ever be able to have that laugh... the liberating gut wrenching kind of laugh where colors are brighter and music is pure. Why do I feel this way? Am I just a spoiled grown up kid? I don't want to succeed to make someone happy or fulfill a five year plan. I want to live.

I want to experience selfless love.

I want to give selfless love.

I want to be a blessing.

I want to have meaning.

I want to accomplish something.

I want to love a beautiful woman in a tiny apartment.

I want to cuss at my broke down car.

I want to write a good story.

I want to get a sunburn.

I want to take my kid to his first ball game.

I want to hug my baby girl.

I want to die with laughter creased around my eyes and tear stains on my cheeks.

I need to live.

Shout the light across the field
Chase away the smoke stains and tears
Run screaming and yelling praise and love
Bury your faces to the heavens
Cry out to the cross
Paint your smiles on the faces of the damned
Kiss the lips of the forgotten
Bring beauty where there is pain
Carry the wounded and weary
Forgive the religious and prideful
Wipe the knees of the saints
Give eyes to the blind and suffering
Taste the hunger of the poor
Burn your money
Help a beautiful man
Carry us all
Back to the hill
where he made it right

Take away the bullets and we'll use rocks

Do you wonder if the boy's mother feels it when her son pushes the button walking through the crowded square?
Does she taste the burned bodies lying all around?
Are her tears for the son or the unnamed dead?

War is so ugly. I'm no longer proud to watch our soldiers march in unison and wave good-bye from giant steel boats. Their sand colored fatigues and M-16s aren't cool and adrenaline rushing. The dog-tags no longer tug at my heart from around their necks.

Peace is one sided, of that I'm sure. If you don't shoot somebody else will. We can scream for non-violence and for our boys to come home but the killing fields will always call the names of the dead. If we don't bomb their homes they will bomb our embassies and the sick roller coaster goes on and on.

I'm not writing this to proclaim answers or opinions. There is no pretty picture.

06.23.08 Good Morning

Every morning I commit that day to Jesus and hope that I show my love for him through action and thought. I get ahead of myself sometimes thinking and wishing about days ahead but the moment is here and now. Don't take hold with an emotional high, sit back and take some breaths thanking Jesus for the love and courage he has placed in us all. There is so much in the world I'll never be able to change or understand but at least I can take this moment to tell a friend hello and that I love him.

Quick thought -
Braves are 1 game below .500... sports aren't nearly as important as people make them out to be but if Jesus played ball he'd play for the Braves

torn and dying loving and flowing

Falling down like rain
my knees embrace asphalt
bleeding from the inside
my hands start to shake
am I sleeping or dreaming
is this happening
all I am is tears
flowing past her lips
once forgotten and lost
now standing and staring
emotion dying and starving
truth blossoms in her voice
I am so afraid
her touch
her hand
is this right or wrong
wisdom is near and far
it mixes with the past
and fades into skin
she is beauty
she is the wind
the fence has fallen
and my heart is fleeing
which direction
I do not know
but I long for color
lying within her eyes

A lot is on my plate these days so you'll be hearing from me quite a bit more on staymysoul (chances are nobody reads this but I like to pretend I have a couple hundred readers). I have never been direct about myself or what's going on in my life on a blog. Generally I tell a story, share a thought dealing with society, or flow with a poem; I'm never open about me that instant. Taking a step away from that philosophy I want to discuss a couple of things that are going on in my story.

It has taken me three years to decide on what I want to major in at school and where I wanted my studies to go. I was determined to never to be one of those students who switched back and forth between majors before going the way of General Studies (also known as Psychology). Over the lunch the other afternoon someone told me about their major that they graduated with and absolutely loved, anytime you hear someone say they love their major you should check it out. She graduated from Georgia State with a degree in Speech and Communications, she also said to checkout a concentration in Public and Political speaking. Following her advice I jumped on the website and read through the description and job opportunities and it really clicked with what I want to do with my life. I'm pleased to say this is the degree I am going to pursue over the next two years (hopefully two years... God help me).

I have been through quite a bit over the years trying to decide where I want my life to go. The hesitancy and unsteady footing allowed me to procrastinate in my studies that in my mind had no purpose. This was an unbelievably immature outlook on my education but I have no excuses or explanation, I had to go through it to learn. Now here I am wanting to make a difference and pursue a life of meaning. My gifts lean more toward writing and speaking and I have always had the urge to speak in front of others about love and relevant issues in our society. Looking to new found heroes and fresh ideas I have found there are many outlets available to me as long as I put myself out there and go for it. I'm very excited to share and have an impact on others.